thought #2: water bucket

Oh hi! It’s so good to see you! How’ve you been these past months?

Good. Good. Let’s pretend I actually heard what you hypothetically just answered through your screen. Me? Oh not much really, the usual: baking, freaking out about unimportant stuff, gift giving, traveling, becoming unemployed.. Ahem. Yeah okay not the usual “usual”, but I guess it’s the reason I’m back. Because apparently when I need to figure something out about my life I need to write it down. Oh well.This piece will not be a surprise for anyone because it’s basically that time of the year when people write about their past experiences, but still, do imagine some drum rolls here: what I’ll keep from 2017 and what I what I expect from 2018.

Yup. I know. I never said I’d be original. Honestly, what did you expect?

Contrarily to most people, 2017 was a pretty good year for me. One of the best actually. I think the reason for that is because it was the year I got my shit together (Kind of. More than usual.) like the grown ass woman I’m supposed to be, and put my head out of the bucket of water I was drowning in.

First, 2017 was the year I decided to cut out with the crap my job was putting on me.This job was forced on me like someone trying to make you wear a pair of shoes that won’t fit because they’re simply not your size. Have you ever tried to walk in undersized shoes. It’s uncomfortable. Even if everyone tells you they look good on you, that you should be happy you have a pair to wear even as uncomfortable as they are because it’s better than not having any to keep you warm. So, you spend three years wondering if you should risk not having any shoes on, rather than putting at stake your comfort and values just so you can wear unfitted ones. And it just becomes an obsession, because how can you act normal when a part of you is in pain? If a part of you is in pain, you can’t clearly feel what remains. Pain controls your inner thoughts, it stops you from thinking rationally. You only have pain, pain, pain and pain in your mind. Well let me tell you that it might have been true at first, it was nice to be warm and safe for a while in these unfitted shoes; but warmth became ache and safety became fear. And now, ten months later, I call bullshit on this.

So, I decided I finally had enough of being dressed like a smurfette ( I have this secret theory that uniforms are meant to dehumanize you, so people will see you more as robot than an actual person and won’t feel ashamed for the way they treat you), I decided that I had enough of people throwing their phones at my face, I was tired of trying to sell them something that was way over priced just because I needed to pay my rent. So I quit. Simple as that. And found myself in a new pair of shoes that I actually liked wearing. I was finally comfortable, because I actually chose that pair. Nobody forced them on me like crazy Lady Trémaine on her daughters. I don’t regret my choice, not even today when I’m jobless, and quite frankly a bit lost. But it’s because I know now that I deserve better than crappy shoes.

2017 was the year I finally, after years of trying to do it, found a way to be kinder to others, simply by being kinder to myself. Because it was also the year I finally got out of that rabbit whole I thought was Wonderland, but really it was the opposite. More like a snake’s nest, constantly trying to lure me into thinking I wasn’t worth happier days. But with the help of friends (old ones and new ones) kind enough to offer me to grab their hands, I found my way back on solid ground. Oh, I’m still anxious. But Anxiety has been a friend of mine for a long time now. The kind of friend you don’t really wanna see on a daily basis but still reaches out to you from time to time. I can’t push Anxiety away but we agreed for it to cut me some slack. And yes, I do consider it as a person because I imagine it as a voice in my head that I can’t shake, like someone who keeps sending you multiple short texts, your phone buzzing, and buzzing, and buzzing, and buzzing until you ran out of battery. And even when that friend doesn’t text, it doesn’t mean you can’t think of when they will text you. So you learn to just accept the fact they can ring you anytime, but you also discover how to filter their calls sometimes.

What was I talking about? Oh yeah, 2017. 2017 was the year I travelled, around the world and around my thoughts, and questioned my choices. But I traveled enough to make an entire article dedicated to that subject. Would you be interested? I might write it anyway.

2017 was the year when I realized I shouldn’t want less than what I actually deserve. It was the year when I realized it’s okay to change roads in the middle of nowhere, and if there isn’t another road than the one you’re walking on, nothing forbids you from walking in the grass and trace your own path. Find the secret passages on your map. You can apply it to anything, really. It worked for me on various levels like you might have noticed. Another important one that I do feel like talking about because not enough people do. Friends. Yes, exactly. No one can force you keep taking care of a friendship that can only lead to a dead end. And sometimes, changing roads only means meeting again at a different crossroad. Sometimes, you’re in the wrong, and sometimes they are. But it’s not who is to blame that is important, it’s how you decide to deal with the situation. You can bog yourself in a friendship just because you think it can only make this said friendship stronger; or you can actually open your eyes and realize your just both drowning in the remains of something that was built on weak foundations, leading you stuck in the same never ending spiral of arguments. Do not blame yourself. Do not blame them. You just weren’t meant to share more. Yes, they shouldn’t have said that, acted liked that, but they did. Right, maybe you shouldn’t have rushed in like that. Yes, you probably hurt them as much as they hurt you, but here’s the thing: you shouldn’t have hurt each other at all. Sometimes, even apologies can’t fix a friendship. And it’s okay. Time will fix what words can’t, but please don’t hang on something that is perpetually conflicting you, tearing you apart.

Now I’m not asking to start giving up every time there’s a bump on the road, but please consider that the more bumps there are, the more chances of falling and hurting yourself there will be. And as for me, I’m done having my knees scarred.

I won’t write about what friendship should be about because there are so many variations of it that my own spectrum is very limited, but I will say this: it’s about them sending you weird gifs at inappropriate hours without any context and the sole purpose of making you laugh. It’s about sometimes not speaking for weeks because you’re both too busy but then Skyping for two hours just to catch up. It’s about your family asking for news of them because they met them so often they kind of took them in. It’s about them being happy for you about something that doesn’t really impact their life but know it will positively impact yours. It’s “ Hey, you should listen do this, I’m sure you’re gonna love it”, or “Don’t you think it’s weird that the Totally Spies had like super bright costumes when they were SPIES? – It’s 3am -So?”. Friendship is about still watching the same teenage drama movies you watched ten years ago, but this time you both share a bottle of wine while ugly singing to all the songs you both know by heart.

That’s what I learnt throughout the year, I should have learnt all that sooner, but to quote Queen Sansa Stark, “I’m a slow learner, it’s true. But I learn.”

So, to be honest, I cannot promise myself anything for 2018 because, well, I have no expectation for it. I’m literally starting from the bottom here so nothing could go worse. Well it could, but I just told you I didn’t want to meet with Anxiety that much, so let’s not think about it right now, please. Yes, I’m actually thinking about it right now, can someone cut the line? It’s getting very loud in here. ANYWAY. Starting from the bottom. (Now we’re here) No job, no guy, no pet, no money, no expectation. But the fact that I don’t expect anything doesn’t mean that I don’t have goals. I actually have three: moving from home to find a new place that actually feels like home; find a job near from said new home; getting rid of all the crap I accumulated these past years, whether it’s furniture, polluting people or mental health issues is your pick, but I personally chose to get rid of all three.

These are the projects I will try my best to accomplish. I will give myself the energy to do so because I deserve it. Simple, efficient.

Oh yes, I will also try to write an article per week, because I missed writing so much.

Yeah, it took me three weeks to wrote this piece. Don’t judge me. Man, this article is way longer than expected. But what I wish you to remember from it is that when you finally decide to get your head out of that bucket of water, you can finally breathe again.

See you (hopefully) next week,

On my way to said new home

Hels